A new negative calorie beer by Gordon Biersch

Just a little satire for you on a Monday
Esens from Gordon Biersch
Reviewed by Andrew Jensen BN Army N. Utah Div.
With the moving trend toward fitness the focus in beer has really been moving towards a lighter, healthier beer. Well move over MGD 64 there’s a new lightweight on the block: Esens from Gordon Biersch has exactly -1 calorie. You heard right -1 calorie. You will literally burn calories while drinking this beer. It is so revolutionary that it is already being discussed if Esens will soon globally take over the entire fitness industry. Why go to the gym when you can pop open an Esens and lose weight while enjoying a refreshing light beer?
Esens was served in a clear quart sized plastic baggie with a straw. A straw? That’s right a straw, cause everyone likes it with a straw. Puncturing the bag took a bit of practice but if you’ve ever had a Capri Sun you should be well trained to pop into your first Esens. It may take a couple tries for a few of the lesser skilled sorts out there to get a good puncture but trust me it’s worth the extra effort.
While some craft beer enthusiasts may decry the use of a straw in their beer it really is the preferred delivery device. Some hard core “Esens” (connoisseurs) have begun to implement air masks for a more thorough experience and some even ordering there Esens in 20 lb. tanks. The 20 lb. tanks are fantastic for parties, the ball game, and the beach or anywhere else bottles of “calorie” beer isn’t allowed.
Thanks to the innovative packaging the Esens is noticeably the most brilliantly clear beer on the market. No head or retention blocks the way for the drinker to quickly begin enjoying Esens. The bubbles are so tightly formed that they are literally invisible. The aroma comes off very clean and crisp that reminds one of Colorado Rocky Mountain air in January with no fusel alcohol or esters. It is similar to a domestic light lager only even lighter and cleaner. Think Natty Light-Light. A light, almost imaginary perception of hops is nearly detectable due to the ground breaking technique coined “dry dry hopping.” Upon first tasting the Esens I was blown away by the cleanest lightest beer I have ever had the pleasure of trying. Finally a beer that has eliminated the off flavors associated with malt, hops and yeast. Truly a marvel in a baggie! There was a slight dusty character in the finish but it was not surprising due to the nakedeness of this new style.
I see this ground breaking miracle revolutionizing the industry more than anything since they first added rice and corn to our favorite lagers. Hats off to Gordon B. for this amazing breath of fresh air that will soon change the way that Americans drink beer but exercise as well!